Confessions of an Allergy Sufferer

I awoke Sunday with itchy, watery eyes. Ah, Spring is in the air, along with every other spec of pollen. And while many of you are talking about the pros and cons of winter, I'll tell you that Spring isn't all cherry blossoms and sunshine. It's a season ridden with yellow bombs of pollen that float through the air settling on every surface, a time when the last of the leaves shed from the oak trees and mound into little molehills on the street, clogging gutters and staining the road.

Sure, it's warm. Woo-who! But my eyes ITCH people!

So Sunday morning I had to combat the itchy eyes because we were going to church and I had to put in my contacts. I was not wearing my glasses to church. Yes, I'm vain, but not to the point of going to buy cute glasses. In my vanity, I long ago decided to avoid the glasses all-together.

How better to combat itchy eyes than to block those histamines? I took some Benadryl.

Let me tell you, Benadryl and Sunday Sermons don't make for a winning combination. Sitting in the pew, I could barely hold my head up. This is not a dig against the sermon. I'm sure it was great, but don't ask me what it was about. I was in a drug-induced fog that rivaled drunkenness. I felt like I could have fallen forward in a deep sleep and snored loudly at any moment. But, trying to be an example for my peeps, I managed to hold it together until.......

.......communion at the altar rail.

We were kneeling at the altar rail and the priest came down to hand out the "body" (which in our church is a wafer-thin slice of styrofoam cup with the crucifix embossed on it. Okay, it's not really styrofoam, but it's got to be styrofoam's cousin). I held on to my "body" because I like to dip in the wine (the "blood"), especially around allergy time, because I don't know what viruses I might carry and I don't want to give anything to the old folks in our church by drinking directly from the cup. (I know the argument against this practice, but I like to be considerate at every possible turn. But you knew that already.)

So I'm holding my "body" and the priest comes to me with the cup and I dip/ink/tink the "body" into the "blood". I bring it up to my mouth and drop it on the altar rail.

I missed my mouth!

Then sheepishly I said, "oops".

Oops? You just dropped the body and blood of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and all you have to say for yourself is "oops"?

The priest started to giggle. I picked up the wine soaked wafer and popped it into my mouth - 5 second rule still applies, right?

I noticed a few drops of wine on the altar rail (apparently the foam wafer is not that absorbent), and proceed to wipe up the wine droplets with my sleeve..........at that point I realized I was seriously impaired. (And in case you don't know me, this behavior is akin to dancing drunk and naked on a tabletop at Big Daddy's company Christmas party - which I would never do. Seriously. Never. Not even for a million dollars.)

I shamefully went back to my pew. I vowed to drink 3 cups of coffee during the hospitality hour that followed the service. I was afraid to drive home. It would be my luck that I would get pulled over for DUI. I could see it now, I'd get booked for aggravated use of an antihistamine.